Today marks 26 weeks! We have 14 weeks to go and its coming really fast. We have another baby class tonight. This one will talk about C-Sections and Epidurals and other pain alternatives during labor. We also will learn birthing positions to get into.
We took CPR last week with my in laws. That was a great class but it just added another level of fear with the discussion of SIDS. Its one thing to get the baby out and make sure I'm ok and the baby's ok then we have to take it home and take care of it. Its like a constant fear that will never go away. My anxiety is really kicking in the closer we get to labor and delivery. Its funny how the fear has shifted. I stared out scared about having a miscarriage in the beginning.. then going into labor freaked me out.. and now just keeping it alive to give birth and after birth is there..I'm also sad because our lives are about to change completely. We will no longer be able to just go out and do anything we want.. we will have to think of the baby first. I told Matthew I want to enjoy as much couple time as we can because a bomb is about to go off in our house.. its called a baby. No one ever talks about how sad it can be to realize your life is about to totally shift. Even when you wanted to have kids and were trying.. it hits you when its about to become a reality. Yeah its exciting to be expecting a baby and I can't wait to meet her and raise her but I am also sad to lose the life I am use to.
I"m also sick of people telling me how to feel....lately I have been really tired and depressed. I can't drink wine, I have to be so careful when I order food, I can't just jump up and do things around the house.. it sucks to have your body totally taken over.. But when I talk to people (aka other mothers) about this all I get is grief and guilt.. "you should be thankful to be pregnant. So many women would be grateful for all this..." .."you having a baby is a miracle you shouldn't complain about your body..its such a small sacrifice".. really?? a "small" sacrifice.. the freedom to eat, sleep, run and jump is taken away from you for 9 months but I'm suppose to just ignore all that and be grateful because I'm not a statistic? Fine.. I am thankful but I am also allowed to feel depressed...thank god I have my hubby.. he doesn't say stupid crap back to me when I complain about things.. it seems only the women have this honor in life to make other women feel like ass..
Matthew listens to me and knows its not easy but he doesn't make me feel bad for being depressed about things from time to time. He lets me complain and cry...he always cheers me up but he also allows me to be in an open space about my feeling without making me feel like i'm wrong...This is why I married him..he is my best friend and I love him for that!
On a happier note.. Baby Elle is a dancer, mover and shaker...I love to feel her move. Lately she has been very active and moves a lot when I sit or lay down. Its a great feeling because it let me know she is doing ok and exploring her little sack. I wish Matthew could feel her kicks the way I do.. he doesn't feel them as strongly as I do because of the layers of fat and placenta. My fingers have also gotten so swollen that now I am wearing my rings around my neck on the necklace that Matthew gave me on Christmas. Its sad to not be able to wear my rings on my finger but at least they are close to me heart around my neck. I have my dads ring on my wedding finger so that helps.
My mom is coming to visit this weekend. I can't wait to see her! Matthew also has Daddy Boot Camp this weekend. I hope he enjoys it! Should be nice for him to hang out with other first time dads and dads who have just gone through all this.. I hope its a good class.
Till next time.. bye
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